A porter from Gonville & Caius Grew potatoes on both of his knees. On the end of his nose Grew a rare kind of rose, But you'll never guess where he grew these! | Cambridge 14 Dec 1996 |
While out with a couple of Blues I didn't know which one to choose. The one with the squint, Or the one with the splint? I had both, I've got nothing to lose. | Cambridge 14 Dec 1996 |
While out on the Cam in a punt, I saw Reverend Spooner in front. He said: "What a day gay!" And: "Anchors aweigh!" And: "Make way for my podding sunt!" | Cambridge 14 Dec 1996 |
If you're studying Natural Science I suggest that you wear this appliance. You strap it on thus, Then just hop on a bus, And you'll find you get masses of clients. | Cambridge 14 Dec 1996 |
In Bath they've remarkable buns. I was told this by several youngs nuns. You take a quick bite, And you're up half the night With a terrible case of the runs! | Bath 14 Jun 1997 |
In Aylesbury they have this strange duck. If you meet it, you're way out of luck. It's about six feet tall And has no teeth at all, But it gives you a terrible suck! | Bath 14 Jun 1997 |
In Epsom I drank some strange salt. I admit, it was all my own fault. Filled my glass to the brim, Then nipped down to the gym. My mistake was attempting a vault. | Bath 14 Jun 1997 |
I once spent a weekend in Hove With a most unattractive old cove. He took out his teeth, And said "I'm Edward Heath!" But he wasn't - his Y-fronts were mauve. | Brighton 29 Jun 1991 |
I once spent a weekend in Penge. I had bicycled down from Stonehenge. I drank eight pints of fluid With a friendly old druid, Then Montezuma took his revenge... | Brighton 29 Jun 1991 |
I once spent a weekend in Rhyl - I'd gone there in search of a thrill. We passed through Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch, Which gave me a shock... I thought Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch was in Brazil. | Brighton 29 Jun 1991 |
I once spent a weekend in Brighton With the legendary Miss Enid Blyton. She said: "You be Noddy And I'll show you my body," But Big Ears kept turning the light on. | Brighton 29 Jun 1991 |
There was a young fellow from Ongar Whose main joy in life is the Conga. He's been dancing to date Since 1908, I don't think he'll be doing it much longer. | 19 Sep 1981 |
There's a café in old Milton Keynes, Where the waiter wears very tight jeans. With an awfully large bulge Which, when asked, he'll divulge Is in fact seven tins of baked beans. | 05 Oct 1987 |
A warped taxidermist from Stoke, Was stuffing a pig in a poke. Said the porker: "Hey Fred! I'm very far from dead. Is this your idea of a joke?" | 06 Sep 1986 |
At a party near Jodrell Bank I've forgotten how much we all drank. The snag with an orgy, As I said to Boy Georgie, Is when you leave you don't know who to thank. | 11 Mar 1989 |
While streaking through Buckingham Palace, Prince Charles, with an absence of malice Enquired of a plant: "Have you seen my fat Aunt?" "Yes, she's out playing South Fork in Dallas?" | 03 Feb 1990 |
There's a lady I knew in Calcutta, Who spoke with a very slight stutter. Her impediment Was delightful, it lent Such charm when she'd utter "B-butter." | Unknown |
The pleasures of old Singapore Are seductive - you cry out for more. There's massages and rubs And dubious clubs With unspeakable things on the floor. | Unknown |
How well I remember Hong Kong, It reminds me of that old sweet song That I heard in a disco About San Francisco Hang on - I think I've got that wrong. | Unknown |
Don't forget, when you visit Bangkok The ex-pats are a bit of a shock. If they've no watch or clock On your door they will knock And shout: "Got the time on ya cock?" | Unknown |
While washing my smalls in Bangkok Where you bash them quite hard on a rock. By the banks of a creek I let out a shriek When I missed them and mangled my...sock. | 18 Feb 1989 |
There was a young girl from Sri Lanka, Who had an affair with a banker. She gave him her all, He made a withdrawal, And didn't even bother to thank her. | 08 May 1982 |
A Portuguese goer from Chile, Once met a young hooker named Willie. He started to hug her, She said: "Let's play rugger." Half time score: Chile-Three, Willie-Nillie. | 02 Jun 1984 |
A belly dancer hot from Jakarta, Went back to her old Alma Mater. She kept the school waiting, To see her gyrating 'Til somebody pressed her self-starter. | 06 Jul 1985 |
A young man from near Milton Keynes, Was into some strange kinky scenes. He'd stand on his head, Take a French loaf of bread... I think we all know what that means! | 29 Aug 1981 |
There was a young lady from Penge, Who had a day out with some frenge. She was given some fluid, By a randy old druid, And now she's the toast of Stonehenge!! | 29 Aug 1981 |
There was a young man from Devizes Who falls, & occasionally rises. He said "It's my fault. I am such a dolt. My legs are of different sizes!" | 25 Apr 1972 |
There once was a woman from Poole Who thought she was frightfully cool. She went for a walk. She tripped on a cork, And said: "Oh dear, I feel such a fool!" | 25 Apr 1972 |
There was a stout person from Brum, Who lost twenty pounds off her tum. When people said "Great!", She replied: "Just you wait, 'Til you see what I've lost from my...thumb" | 04 Jul 1972 |
I once had a blind date with Cilla. I took her to watch Aston Villa. She sang to the crowd, And she sang very loud And that's why they threatened to kill her. | Liverpool 16 Nov 1996 |
I once had a trial with Bill Shankly - At the end he just looked at me blankly. Said: "You're no Roger Hunt, In fact, I'll be blunt, You're absolute rubbish, quite frankly!" | Liverpool 16 Nov 1996 |
We went to a show with Ken Dodd. The usherette said: "Oh my God! He'll go on for years, And he's bound to sing Tears. When he finishes, give us a prod!" | Liverpool 16 Nov 1996 |
Out drinking with Bruce Grobelaar, He paid with some cash from a jar. He said: "See, I saved this!" So I gave him a kiss, And he tipped himself over the bar. | Liverpool 16 Nov 1996 |
While out on the banks of Loch Ness I was startled to see Rudolph Hess. He shouted: "Who's won?" The ignorant hun. I said: "You did, in the end, more or less." | Edinburgh 13 Nov 1993 |
The thing about wearing a kilt Is it tends to reveal how you're built. But should you chance your arm, It has an alarm, And your sporran lights up and says: "Tilt!" | Edinburgh 13 Nov 1993 |
One night I was roused by the pipes Being played by a band of strange types. They then tossed a caber, And shouted: "Vote Labour!" My sporran lit up and said: "Cripes!" | Edinburgh 13 Nov 1993 |
There's a small breed of dog, called a Scottie, Who's house-trained and sits on a potty. He gives a loud yap, That mischievious chap, Then stands up and wipes his wee bottie. | Edinburgh 13 Nov 1993 |
There was a young man from Arbroath Who was constantly plighting his troth. To girls local and foreign He'd lift up his sporran, Then hang upside down like a sloth. | 18 May 1985 |
A boozer who lived in Dundee, Decided to go on a spree. He visited pubs, Where he drank out of tubs, Until it was time for his tea. | 04 Jul 1972 |
In Dundee they've this special wee cake That's made out of haddock and hake With a bit of dressed crab, And a flounder or dab. By jings, what a mess when you wake! | Bath 14 Jun 1997 |
There was a young man from Strathspey Who said: "I don't think that I'm gay. I'm quite neat and tidy, But first thing on Friday I'm tossing the caber away" | 24 Aug 1987 |
A porter from Gonville & Caius Grew potatoes on both of his knees. On the end of his nose Grew a rare kind of rose, But you'll never guess where he grew these! | Best of ISIHAC 1/3 (d?) 06 Apr 1998 |
While out with a couple of Blues I didn't know which one to choose. The one with the squint, Or the one with the splint? I had both, I've got nothing to lose. | Best of ISIHAC 1/3 (d?) 06 Jun 1998 |
While out on the Cam in a punt, I saw Reverend Spooner in front. He said: "What a day gay!" And: "Anchors aweigh!" And: "Make way for my podding sunt!" | Best of ISIHAC 1/3 (d?) 06 Apr 1998 |
If you're studying Natural Science I suggest that you wear this appliance. You strap it on thus, Then just hop on a bus, And you'll find you get masses of clients. | Best of ISIHAC 1/3 (d?) 06 Apr 1998 |
A porter from Gonville & Caius Grew potatoes on both of his knees. On the end of his nose Grew a rare kind of rose, But you'll never guess where he grew these! | ISIHAC 4, Side 4 |
While out with a couple of Blues I didn't know which one to choose. The one with the squint, Or the one with the splint? I had both, I've got nothing to lose. | ISIHAC 4, Side 4 |
While out on the Cam in a punt, I saw Reverend Spooner in front. He said: "What a day gay!" And: "Anchors aweigh!" And: "Make way for my podding sunt!" | ISIHAC 4, Side 4 |
If you're studying Natural Science I suggest that you wear this appliance. You strap it on thus, Then just hop on a bus, And you'll find you get masses of clients. | ISIHAC 4, Side 4 |
I once had a blind date with Cilla. I took her to watch Aston Villa. She sang to the crowd, And she sang very loud And that's why they threatened to kill her. | ISIHAC 4, Side 3 |
I once had a trial with Bill Shankly - At the end he just looked at me blankly. Said: "You're no Roger Hunt, In fact, I'll be blunt, You're absolute rubbish, quite frankly!" | ISIHAC 4, Side 3 |
Out drinking with Bruce Grobelaar, He paid with some cash from a jar. He said: "See, I saved this!" So I gave him a kiss, And he tipped himself over the bar. | ISIHAC 4, Side 3 |
While out on the banks of Loch Ness I was startled to see Rudolph Hess. He shouted: "Who's won?" The ignorant hun. I said: "You did, in the end, more or less." | ISIHAC 2, Side 3 |
The thing about wearing a kilt Is it tends to reveal how you're built. But should you chance your arm, It has an alarm, And your sporran lights up and says: "Tilt!" | ISIHAC 2, Side 3 |
One night I was roused by the pipes Being played by a band of strange types. They then tossed a caber, And shouted: "Vote Labour!" My sporran lit up and said: "Cripes!" | ISIHAC 2, Side 3 |
There's a small breed of dog, called a Scottie, Who's house-trained and sits on a potty. He gives a loud yap, That mischievious chap, Then stands up and wipes his wee bottie. | ISIHAC 2, Side 3 |
There was a young lady from Surrey, Who ate all her meals in a hurry. She liked her food tinned, And so she got wind, And a raspberry from Edwina Currie. | 05 Oct 1987 |
I once had a blind date with Cilla. I took her to watch Aston Villa. She sang to the crowd, And she sang very loud And that's why they threatened to kill her. | Best Of ISIHAC 3/3 20 Apr 1998 |
I once had a trial with Bill Shankly - At the end he just looked at me blankly. Said: "You're no Roger Hunt, In fact, I'll be blunt, You're absolute rubbish, quite frankly!" | Best Of ISIHAC 3/3 20 Apr 1998 |
We went to a show with Ken Dodd. The usherette said: "Oh my God! He'll go on for years, And he's bound to sing Tears. When he finishes, give us a prod!" | Best Of ISIHAC 3/3 20 Apr 1998 |
Out drinking with Bruce Grobelaar, He paid with some cash from a jar. He said: "See, I saved this!" So I gave him a kiss, And he tipped himself over the bar. | Best Of ISIHAC 3/3 20 Apr 1998 |
At a party near Jodrell Bank I've forgotten how much we all drank. The snag with an orgy, As I said to Boy Georgie, Is when you leave you don't know who to thank. | 29 Jan 1990 |