The ISIHAC | Last Updated |
On the BBC Radio 4 show I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, one of the rounds includes suggestions for Telegrams received for various occasions. Here are some of the teams' suggestions, along with some of my suggestions. If you have any ideas you would like included, please e-mail me here, and I will add the best ones (with full credit to you of course)
To Yul Brynner, on the first night of The King And I
20 Aug 1979
BRYNNER. CONGRATULATIONS. IT'LL BE A SMASH AS SOON AS THE WIG ARRIVES. |
To a knight returning from the crusades to his wife who's been wearing a chastity belt
20 Aug 1979
GOOD LUCK ON THE OPENING, KNIGHT. |
To Moses
20 Aug 1979
MOSES. YOU LEFT YOUR FLIPPERS IN THE RED SEA. PLEASE CONTACT LIFE GUARD. |
To Nelson
20 Aug 1979
NELSON. GOOD LUCK AT TRAFALGAR. I'LL KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR YOU. |
To Rod Stewart on his marriage
20 Aug 1979
MAY ALL YOUR TROUBLES BE ENORMOUS. |
To Joan Collins
20 Aug 1979
COLLINS. STOP STOP STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP STOP |
To Richard III
20 Aug 1979
RICHARD III. SORRY DICK. NO CAN DO. WOULD YOU SETTLE FOR TWO DONKEYS? |
To Archduke Ferdinand
20 Aug 1979
THE ARCHDUKE FERDINAND. HAVE GOOD HOLS IN SARAJEVO. RECOMMEND THE DRIVES. |
To Abraham Lincoln
20 Aug 1979
THE SECOND HALF ISN'T AS GOOD AS THE FIRST. |
To Neville Chamberlain before he went to Munich
20 Aug 1979
ALL THE BEST. TELL HIM HE'S BONKERS. |
To General Custer
20 Aug 1979
BEST OF LUCK AT LITTLE BIG HORN. IT'LL BE A FEATHER IN YOUR CAP. |
To the Post Office
1979 Xmas Special
HAPPY EASTER 1983. |
A general excuse
1979 Xmas Special
SORRY CAN'T BE WITH YOU. UNDERGOING EXTENSIVE PLASTIC SURGERY SINCE INCIDENT UNDER MISTLETOE WITH ESTHER RANTZEN. |
To British Leyland
1979 Xmas Special
HAPPY NEW YEAR. WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES AT MIDNIGHT DON'T COME OUT IN SYMPATHY. |
To Lord Lucan
1979 Xmas Special
LORD LUCAN. ALL RIGHT. WE GIVE UP. YOU CAN COME OUT NOW. |
To the President of Turkey
1979 Xmas Special
GET STUFFED. |
To Lord Carrington
1979 Xmas Special
URGENT. MUGABE SPELT BACKWARDS SPELLS 'EE-BAH-GUM'. |
To the cast of Crossroads
1979 Xmas Special
A HAPPY NOEL AND A BETTER REHEARSED ONE. |
To Vincent Van Gogh
1979 Xmas Special
MAY ALL YOUR CHRISTMASES BE...WHAT!! AND A HAPPY NEW EAR. |
To Ian Smith who said his regime in Rhodesia would last 1000 years
1979 Xmas Special
DOESN'T TIME FLY WHEN YOU'RE ENJOYING YOURSELF. |
To the team of Game For A Laugh
10 Apr 1982
BREAK A LEG! |
To Alfred the Great
10 Apr 1982
URGENT. OVEN TEMPERATURE SHOULD READ CENTIGRADE NOT FAHRENHEIT. |
To King Tutankhamun
10 Apr 1982
PLEASE CONTACT THE BRITISH MUSEUM YOUR MUMMY IS SERIOUSLY ILL. |
To La Dame Au Camelia
10 Apr 1982
COUGH COUGH HAWK SPIT COUGH COUGH. I LOVE YOU TOO. COUGH COUGH. RUSHTON |
From Richard Burton to Elizabeth Taylor
10 Apr 1982
SUPPOSE SHORT MEANINGLESS MARRIAGE IS OUT OF QUESTION. DICK. |
From Britt Eckland to various friends
10 Apr 1982
NOT GETTING ANY BETTER. COME HOME AT ONCE. but the Post Office keep sending it as: NOT GETTING ANY. BETTER COME HOME AT ONCE. |
To Lady Godiva from her husband
10 Apr 1982
ALRIGHT. ALRIGHT. KEEP YOUR HAIR ON. |
To the head of the Post Office complaining about the new TeleMessage service
10 Apr 1982
NEW TELEGRAM SERVICE VERY POOR. LETTER PRECEDES. |
To Napoleon
10 Apr 1982
IGNORE BOOTS OUTSIDE TENT |
To Napoleon
Westminster Theatre - 22 Dec 1990
HOLD ON. BRACES IN NEXT POST. |
To From Hardy to Nelson
Westminster Theatre - 22 Dec 1990
OK BUT NO TONGUES. |
To Jeffrey Archer
Westminster Theatre - 22 Dec 1990
CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR NOBEL PRIZE FOR LITERATURE. |
To Madonna
Westminster Theatre - 22 Dec 1990
CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR UPLIFTING VIDEO. MOTHER THERESA. |
From Queen Victoria to Albert, on hearing they'd had a building named after them
Westminster Theatre - 22 Dec 1990
WE ARE NOT A MUSEUM. |
To Salman Rushdie
Westminster Theatre - 22 Dec 1990
GOOD NEWS. YOU'VE WON THE LONGEST RUNNING EVER GOTCHA OSCAR FROM NOEL EDMUNDS. |
To the prospective Conservative candidate for Cheltenham
Westminster Theatre - 22 Dec 1990
I WOULD LIKE TO DISASSOCIATE MYSELF TOTALLY FROM RECENT BEHAVIOUR IN CHELTENHAM. THERE IS NO PLACE FOR THAT SORT OF THING IN MY PARTY. TERA BLANCHE. |
To Jeremy Beadle
Westminster Theatre - 22 Dec 1990
STOP STOP |
From Van Gogh
19 Aug 1991
REGRET MUST CANCEL ORDER FOR STEREO HEADPHONES. |
To Humph
19 Aug 1991
MY MOTHER DUG YOU CRAZY MUSIC WHEN SHE WAS LITTLE. NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D MAKE A HUNDRED. CRAZY MAN CRAZY. THE QUEEN. |
To Christopher Wren, just before he built St. Paul's Cathedral
19 Aug 1991
BIG MISTAKE. YOU SHOULD HAVE HUNG ON FOR THE NAT WEST BUILDING. |
To Noah
19 Aug 1991
COULD BE A FEW MINUTES LATE. DON'T LEAVE WITHOUT US. MR & MRS UNICORN. |
From the makers of the Wooden Horse of Troy
19 Aug 1991
EH GUV, WHERE DO YOU WANT THE EXIT PUT? |
To Joan of Arc
19 Aug 1991
ALL THE BEST. WATCH OUT FOR THE FAGGOTS. |
19 Aug 1991
HAVE WRITTEN FIVE TIMES AND RECEIVED NO REPLY. HAVE PHONED REPEATEDLY NO ANSWER. CAN YOU HAVE LUNCH OCTOBER FIFTEENTH 1977. TOM JACKSON. |
To Napoleon
19 Aug 1991
YOU LEFT YOUR BRACES AT THE MOTEL. |
To Beethoven
02 Nov 1991
FOR GOD'S SAKE ANSWER THE DOOR - I'VE BEEN KNOCKING FOR THREE DAYS. |
From Keith Prowse (just before the programme)
02 Nov 1991
IF YOU WANT THE BEST SEATS, YOU'RE BUGGERED. |
From Joseph
02 Nov 1991
IT'S A GIRL. |
Discovered in the Kremlin
02 Nov 1991
I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A COUP. |
To Boris Yeltsin
02 Nov 1991
APRIL FOOL. YOU'RE UNDER ARREST. |
To Dr. Spooner
02 Nov 1991
YOUR DOAST AT THE TINNER ON NIGHDAY FRIGHT WILL BE GLAISE YOUR ASSES TO THE QUEAR OLD DEEN. |
To Noah
02 Nov 1991
BUILD ARK. FORTY DAYS FLOODING DUE. GOD'S SPEED. |
To Des O'Connor
02 Nov 1991
HOPE YOU GOT THE CORSET. MONKEY GLANDS FOLLOWING. |
To His Royal Highness Prince Hamlet, Elsinore Castle
02 Nov 1991
NOT TO BE. |
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