to Edward VIII Don't abdicate...she's a man!! | Windsor 27 Apr 1998 |
Dear Lord Irving, There's bargains galore this Easter at B&Q | Windsor 27 Apr 1998 |
Dear King Harold, Your new contact lenses are ready for collection | Windsor 27 Apr 1998 |
from Emperor Hirohito to the Joint Chiefs of the Imperial Staff Correction to previous letter...should have read 'I want to take out Pearl Bailey' | Windsor 27 Apr 1998 |
Dear Dad, Everything going pear-shaped. Suspect Judas. Back Thursday. Love Jesus | Windsor 27 Apr 1998 |
Dear St Paul, Will you stop writing to us!! | Windsor 27 Apr 1998 |
Dear Nelson, See you in my cabin during the battle. Lots of love, Captain Jeremy Hardy | Windsor 27 Apr 1998 |
from the Department of the Environment DearNoah, The emission of methane gas from your menagerie could have catastrophic effects on the climate. | Windsor 27 Apr 1998 |
to Mozart Dear Am, Saw Salieri buying rat poison. Keep an eye out. Always finish on an anticlimax. | Windsor 27 Apr 1998 |
to Captain Scott What about Hawaii this year? Yours, Oates. | Cardiff 14 Dec 1998 |
from Winston Churchill Dear 'Bomber' Harris, Surprised to hear you're planning to bomb Dresden. I said destroy the enemy's armament factories, not their ornament factories! | Cardiff 14 Dec 1998 |
to Cleopatra, from Ptolemy's Pets'R'Us, Cairo Dear Cleopatra, As requested, please find the wasp enclosed. | Cardiff 14 Dec 1998 |
Dear Adam & Eve, c/o the Garden of Eden, No doubt you will be surprised to receive this letter, as I know from God that you were under the impression that your were the first people on earth. However, please accept this apple as a token of our desire for peaceful co-existence. Yours sincerely, Gareth & Rhianon, Kingcoed. | Cardiff 14 Dec 1998 |
from Joan of Arc, to her mum The Dauphin has booked me a gig at Rouen. Hope he's right about the warm reception! | Cardiff 14 Dec 1998 |
to all rugby players from the Welsh RFU, dated c.1976 Dear Players, Of course you can be payed for playing. We want to keep the best rugby team in the world, don't we? Do you think we're stupid? | Cardiff 14 Dec 1998 |
Dear Alexander Fleming, Your lab's filthy! | Cardiff 14 Dec 1998 |
Dear Juliet, Romeo says he's not free Saturday night - how about me? Love, Will Carling. | Cardiff 14 Dec 1998 |
Dear King Agamemnon, Troy, Please find enclosed the wooden horse you ordered, faithful in every detail apart from the scale. If we'd followed your measurements, we'd have finished up with a hollow ediface capable of holding a small army! | Cardiff 14 Dec 1998 |
telegram to Humph, dated 1972, from Cubby Broccoli Sean retiring STOP Bond part yours STOP For God's sake, don't sign radio contract! | Cardiff 14 Dec 1998 |
[ to King Canute from the Coastguards Correction to last letter. It's high tide at 3 o'clock. Not broadcast] | Harrogate 26 Dec 2005 |
to Boadicea from Colchester Council Dear Madam, We regret we cannot renew your chariot licence as the large blades sticking out from the wheels contravene Health & Safety Regulations | Harrogate 26 Dec 2005 |
[ to Charles Darwin I am the archangel Gabriel and I am sent to bring you good news. Not broadcast] | Harrogate 26 Dec 2005 |
from Queen Elizabeth to the Walter Raleigh Dear Walt, If you're thinking of popping down to the West Indies or whatever it's called, please bring me a yam. I'm alright for ciggies and spuds, thanks. | Harrogate 26 Dec 2005 |
[ to Abraham Lincoln from his daughter We've heard the play isn't very good. Would you mind staying in on Tuesday and babysitting? Your loving daughter, Tracy Not broadcast] | Harrogate 26 Dec 2005 |
[ from Hitler to Mr Churchill Dear Winston, So sorry about invading Poland. I don't know what I was thinking. Yours Adolf. Not broadcast] | Harrogate 26 Dec 2005 |
[ from AEG Oven Recall Dear Mr Alfred King, We would like to recall the oven which you recently purchased from us. The numbers referred to are centigrade and not Fahrenheit. Not broadcast] | Harrogate 26 Dec 2005 |
[ from Prime Minister Stanley Baldwin to Edward VIII Don't do anything hasty. Wallace has gone off with the window dresser. Not broadcast] | Harrogate 26 Dec 2005 |
[ to Lord Nelson from the Admiralty Dear Nelson, Your disability pension has come through at last. You'll be pleased to hear that you are therefore no longer required to command the fleet at Trafalgar. Not broadcast] | Harrogate 26 Dec 2005 |
[ Postcard from Central Africa Dear Mr Stanley, Having a wonderful time. My room is marked with a 'X'. Yours, David Livingstone. Not broadcast] | Harrogate 26 Dec 2005 |
from Mona Lisa's agent Portrait sitting confirmed. Don't forget - big grin! | Harrogate 26 Dec 2005 |
Dear Joan of Arc, This winter, why not come home to a real fire? The Fireplace Shop, High Street, Rouen. [ P.S. Why not check out our winter discount faggots? Not broadcast] | Harrogate 26 Dec 2005 |
Dear Mr Newton, We confirm we'll be round to remove that apple tree first thing Monday. | Harrogate 26 Dec 2005 |
Dear Mr Tell, We confirm we'll be round to remove that apple tree first thing Monday. | Harrogate 26 Dec 2005 |
Dear Mr Adam, We confirm we'll be round to remove that apple tree first thing Monday. | Harrogate 26 Dec 2005 |
a note from the Post Office to Saint Paul Letter to the Corinthians marked 'Return to Sender' | Harrogate 26 Dec 2005 |
from Holbein Photo Labs to King Henry VIII We regret that the picture of a Swedish model was sent instead of the portrait of the ugly old bat Anne of Cleves. Hope this hasn't caused any inconvenience. | Harrogate 26 Dec 2005 |
from Beethoven's agent to his client Do nothing till you hear from me. | Harrogate 26 Dec 2005 |
to Granny Smith Where do you want all those apple trees put? | Harrogate 26 Dec 2005 |
Dear Mr Lincoln, We confirm we'll be round to remove that cherry tree first thing Monday. | Kevin Hale
|
[ Dear Dr. Guillotine, We shall be pleased to grant a licence for your automated hair cutting device, just as soon as you address one or two safety issues. Not broadcast] | Cardiff 25 Jun 2007 |
To our Imperial Leader Hail Almighty Caesar, He's behind you! | Cardiff 25 Jun 2007 |
To Michaelangelo Dear Mike, His Holiness wants the ceiling plain white emulsion. | Cardiff 25 Jun 2007 |
Dear George Bush Senior, We can confirm that infanticide is still technically a criminal offence in the state of Texas, but in your case we're prepared to grant a waiver. | Cardiff 25 Jun 2007 |
Dear Emperor Nero, We regret that the fire extinguishers you ordered are temporarily out of stock. They should be with you in 2 to 4 weeks, however, you still qualify for your free gift of a violin which has been dispatched. Yours E-Bay of Naples. | Cardiff 25 Jun 2007 |
[ Dear Cher, We are happy to inform you that the book you requested "Warts And All - How to be happy as you are" is now in stock. Yours, The Book Store Not broadcast] | Cardiff 25 Jun 2007 |
[ for Samson, a quarterly letter from Toni & Guy: Dear Sam, This summer, the fashion is for hair to be shoulder length. Not broadcast] | Cardiff 25 Jun 2007 |
[ from George W. Bush: Yo Blair, You got it wrong. I said we're going to invade TieRack. Not broadcast] | Cardiff 25 Jun 2007 |
[ Dear Christopher Columbus, We regret that we are obliged to recall all recently purchased models of our TomTom's clockwork SatNav device, as we've identified an error in the manufacturing process wherby the labels East and West have been interchanged, leading to navigational confusion. Not broadcast] | Cardiff 25 Jun 2007 |
[ Dear Mr Dettori, Good news. Your step ladder, for getting down carefully from your horse, is now in stock. Not broadcast] | Cardiff 25 Jun 2007 |
[ Dear Archduke Ferdinand, All Sarajevo hotels full. We've booked you into the Belgrade Hilton. Not broadcast] | Cardiff 25 Jun 2007 |
[ Dear Hannibal, I'm afraid we no longer stock elephants. There's no call for them these days. However, we do have a warehouse full of Sinclair C5s. Not broadcast] | Cardiff 25 Jun 2007 |
Dear Moses, Just to let you know, the Jet-Ski is now in stock. | Cardiff 25 Jun 2007 |
[ to Leonardo Da Vinci: Dear Leo, Scrub the sitting. I've got to go to the dentist. Yours, the Mona Lisa. Not broadcast] | Cardiff 25 Jun 2007 |
[ Dear Lazlo Biro, Thank you for letting us see your ingenious writing device. However, we would discourage you from pressing ahead with its development as we're devoting future production to the implement devised by our client Mr Johann Felt-tip. Not broadcast] | Cardiff 25 Jun 2007 |
Dear Joseph and Mary, Congratulations on the birth of your daughter. | Cardiff 25 Jun 2007 |
[ Dear Joan Of Arc, Good news - they've imposed a smoking ban. Not broadcast] | Cardiff 25 Jun 2007 |
Dear Mr. Logie Baird, Yes, we can grant you a licence to start your new service, but only on the condition you never broadcast any programmes with the word 'celebrity' in the title. | Cardiff 25 Jun 2007 |